Snowy Monday Morning Thoughts
Posted on Mar 17th, 2008
by 
Zaskoda
Zaskoda
I struggle with the notion that I hold myself back from happiness because of a selfless nature I inherited from my mother. This morning I set out on a path of self preservation and made decisions to take care of my own crucial interests. Moments later I found myself awash in empathy towards an individual who, in all fairness, fully earned the rejection I was imposing.
Mom takes care of everyone. She's lost if she doesn't have someone to take care of. She'll give up everything she has to take care of someone. Her mother was the same way. Being good "Christains" they called it. I don't keep the faith myself, I'm not sure why this nature burns so strong inside of me. Maybe they got to me to young and early, as part of me feels this is the right way to live.
So this morning I took a bold step towards being a confident man who knows his own value. Then, not 15 minutes later, covered in snow and searching for a warm pair of gloves... I started to melt. A look on someone's face sent me collapsed on the floor looking down at my crossed legs.
"Who's life is this? Oh yeah, it's mine..."
Now I feel betrayed not only by someone else, but by myself. I want to believe that my empathy is a good thing. I don't. Not only have I failed to set myself on the path of happiness, I've reinforced to someone else that I will tolerate abuse.
I rarely see mom happy. It took me a long time to realize this.
Yesterday began so well. It ended so poorly. Two days out of a lifetime seem like so little. Two days in the grand scheme of the universe seem so meaningless. Two days meant everything to me.
Mom takes care of everyone. She's lost if she doesn't have someone to take care of. She'll give up everything she has to take care of someone. Her mother was the same way. Being good "Christains" they called it. I don't keep the faith myself, I'm not sure why this nature burns so strong inside of me. Maybe they got to me to young and early, as part of me feels this is the right way to live.
So this morning I took a bold step towards being a confident man who knows his own value. Then, not 15 minutes later, covered in snow and searching for a warm pair of gloves... I started to melt. A look on someone's face sent me collapsed on the floor looking down at my crossed legs.
"Who's life is this? Oh yeah, it's mine..."
Now I feel betrayed not only by someone else, but by myself. I want to believe that my empathy is a good thing. I don't. Not only have I failed to set myself on the path of happiness, I've reinforced to someone else that I will tolerate abuse.
I rarely see mom happy. It took me a long time to realize this.
Yesterday began so well. It ended so poorly. Two days out of a lifetime seem like so little. Two days in the grand scheme of the universe seem so meaningless. Two days meant everything to me.
Access: Public
QaR
May 2008 
if i may ask a question (or two)… are you acting from a position where you feel you are doing the other person some good by bending to their way? i mean, do you think that you are making the other person happy (even while you are unhappy)? if so, i would suggest maybe looking at it from a different perspective… you may be holding them back from experiencing whatever it is they need to experience with your rejection.
take care of yourself, be true to yourself, act with compassion (which is not the same thing as doing what someone else wants you to do) and believe that in doing so, you are doing the best thing for both of you. doesn't mean it will be easy…
Fenix, I totally - 100% - get what you're saying. It's often times difficult for me to be wise enough to know the difference. In this case, I feel like I did the right thing.
I could truly ramble on about this for a long time. Part of me wants to understand exactly what happened… Did this person need to know I would enforce personal boundaries? Did this person need the rejection as a tool for some other emotional problem in life? Is it something else I can't even get my head around?
But a smart guy once told me that there are three problems in life… There are 'My Problems', 'Her Problems' and 'Gods Problems'… He said a huge amount of stress and anxiety in life comes from worrying about Her problems or Gods problems… and that it would be best if I just focused on my problems.
To that end… I figure I should probably stop analyzing everything and think about what it is I want to be happy… Right now I think it sounds kinda like waves crashing on the beach and the smell of salt water in the air - with a strong hint of surf wax.
exaaaaactly!!!
sounds like you should be at Zuma instead of the bottom of the Rockies (at least for the moment)…
You photo didn't load for me, permissions error. However, I looked Zuma up on Wikipedia. It sounds like a fabulous place to visit. I will have to add it to my list! Thanks so much for the suggestion.
I'm planning some time in Mexico in the future… Some cold beer, carne asada, hot sun, and salty skin. :)